If I Could Only Climb the Walls

The Wish: clinical conflict iII

What follows is a rendering of one session in a psychoanalytic treatment. The analyst’s remarks are indicated by serif.

Am I a shitty mother? Sometimes I don’t care about my daughter. Once I watched her fall out of bed. I just watched. I could see it coming and didn’t stop it. She cried and cried. She’s all I have, I know that. I would kill myself if I lost her. I love how she just goes for it. She pushes the limit. She runs too fast and doesn’t care if she falls. 

I can’t even say the word “true.” You’re warm to me. How do I know it’s not just a way to get more money?

At home, no matter how high your walls were, how much glass and barbed wire you put on top of them, how many security guards you hired, how vicious your dogs were, you always went to bed wondering if you would be killed during your sleep. And now, no one wants to upset anyone else. You say nice things. No one wants trouble. But nothing feels right. 

Guys do exactly what I say. They aren’t real. They can’t say no. They’re animals, not people. What am I doing with you anyway? I don’t have anything to say. You’ll dismiss me. This woman is hopeless. I want you to think I’m hopeless. But you promised not to leave me. So you’re stuck. You can’t move.

It’s like in Succession. There are no knights in shining armor. Everybody’s digging in the mud looking for knives. I heard the guy say that and I thought that that was you. I know it’s not. But I thought it anyway. You’re not that way. That’s Murdoch. I want to just stop. Get out. I’m detached now. Is that provocative? 

I just hold on. We’re going nowhere. Staying still. I don’t care. Just stay out of trouble. My friends. I can’t even say that word, “friends.” William got me my first job. He has been so kind to me. And then, when he got sick, I did nothing. I didn’t call. I didn’t go see him. And he still shows up. They put up with me. They always put up with me. Men always put up with me.

I’m trying to get back into shape. I’m fat now. I want to be strong, fit. I want to see myself in the mirror. 

None of this is really true. I say things. I always say things. How do you tell if a thing is true? I hate my mother. She never let me. Why say this? She never let me alone. She had me followed. Like I couldn’t protect myself. Everyone else could. There’d be all us players and then me with my guard. He’d try to stand back, so no one could see him, but everyone did. I told her to call off the guard. Never. She never listened to what I wanted.

Just get out of there. So I played, all the time. And here I am. I never really heard of you. You’re not famous. I’m miserable. When we started, you said you wouldn’t take me on unless you felt you could help me. That was so reassuring. I couldn’t believe it. And then I kept thinking you were going to dismiss me. She’s too crazy. I can’t help her. I’m better now, I know it. 

There’s a high wall between us, isn’t there? Each of us shouting over the wall. Glass and barbed wire.

I took my daughter to the playground yesterday. I was talking with another mother and looked away for just a second. And then she was gone. I ran all over the place. I couldn’t see her. Finally I got to the edge of the playground and she was there, with some man. Everything was fine. It was just a minute. She could have run into the street. One second is all it took. She could have been dead. That’s on me. Don’t bullshit me. Don’t be kind. I hate bullshit. You never do that. I’m a shitty mother. See? That’s it, end of story. 

I have nothing to say to you. I say it, I know, but then it’s gone. Why don’t you do some work? You pull it out of me. Point to something. Tell me what it is and what to do. I’ll just lie here. Yes, sir. You do it first and I’ll go along. This can’t be fun for you, can it? I don’t give pleasure. My husband tells me that all the time. He was cutting back on drinking and he was doing everything for me, making my life as easy as he could. So I thought I’d get him a gift. He loves great scotch. So I got him this Japanese stuff and I knew it was wrong to do. I knew it. And I gave it to him and he just looked at me like I was a madwoman. Like how could I have done that. And I said to him that I hadn’t really thought about it. But I had. I knew it would boomerang. But it was a gift. I wanted to give him a gift. It’s confusing. Am I confused? Do you think I’m confused? 

I think you want a gift from me and don’t know what you want. Anything I give is likely to boomerang.

I don’t think I said it at the beginning of the session but it was good to see you. It’s hard for me to say that. It’s true, I was. But I also wasn’t it. Like when it’s good, it’s also not good. I want it to be nothing. Like to say, it’s nothing to see you. You’re nothing to me. Nothing will happen. Nothing bad will happen. That’ll be OK. To have nothing bad happen. But I don’t want you to leave it like that. This isn’t right the way it is now. I walk around the neighborhood every evening and it’s always the exact same walk. It worked once so it’ll work forever. Just keep doing it. About twenty-five minutes. So you don’t have to think. You never have to choose anything. It’s done before you even start. It’s finished. But I can’t live like that. I have a daughter. She always wants to do the next thing. I love when she figures out something. Like she builds a tower and figures out that it has to have a broad base. She just figures that out. And she starts to laugh and then I do too. That’s the only time. Me and her. Laughing. 

You’re not sure if you want us to be figuring anything out or just repeating ourselves. Is it good to see me or is it just the same thing, the same guy, the same stuff?

I want both. I always want both.